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| My new nephew, Gabriel, with a special message for his favourite old Great Aunt |
I hate birthdays. It’s not just the wrinkles or the saggy neck skin or the grey hair. (Speaking of which, I pulled out a long one last week. Derek says it was blonde, but I think he was just trying to comfort me.) Birthdays are a depressing reminder of the many things I haven’t accomplished yet. Last year I turned 40. It was shocking. I dreaded the inevitable and complained about the perils of becoming ancient to anyone who would listen. Did you know that on the eve of your fortieth birthday your body releases a hormone that tells your eyes to start needing bifocals? It’s a scientific fact. Okay, so I made that up, but I did read a recent article in Discovery Magazine entitled, “What to Expect as You Age.” The article included a diagram of the human body with arrows pointing to various parts along with a description of how each part was going to disintegrate as you aged. I found it extremely disturbing. Here are just a few of the harrowing facts:
The heart muscle becomes less efficient. Blood vessels lose their elasticity and hardened fatty deposits may form on the inner walls of arteries. High blood pressure is common. I felt mine rising as I read this article. The mouth will feel dry as the gums slowly and painfully recede. The teeth you still have left in your gaping mouth will be more vulnerable to decay and infection. They will darken in color and become more brittle. Eating your favorite foods will become a thing of the past as your diet slowly but systematically gets reduced to mushed vegetables and pureed meats. Good thing your sense of smell and taste will already be non-existent at this point. Eyes will produce fewer tears as the retinas thin and the lenses become less clear. This means you won’t even be able cry yourself to sleep at night as you mourn the passing of your youth. Hearing will dim. It will become especially hard to hear high frequencies in a crowded room. This explains why old men are content to spend more quiet nights at home with their wives. It’s not that the nagging has stopped. They simply can’t hear it anymore. Losing weight will be more difficult. Muscle mass decreases. Fat increases. Bones actually shrink and become less dense. They break more easily. You will see yourself getting flabbier every day in the mirror, but be unable to exercise to halt the horrifying excess that is your rapidly growing body. Skin becomes thinner, drier and less elastic. Along with baseball caps, stamps and old napkins, you will begin to collect age spots, wrinkles and skin tags. To top it off, muscles become less flexible. You will become uncoordinated. Somehow, this lack of coordination extends to the wardrobe of the elderly, too.
The bad news is that if you take medication for any of these ailments or supplements to combat the signs of aging, the side effect is often severe constipation. Ironically, as your body stops all regular bowel movements, it increases the frequency of urination. Aging involves some parts drying up while other parts start to leak. The good news is that as your memory becomes less efficient, it takes longer to learn new things or even remember familiar names and words. How is this a good thing, you ask? Quite frankly, you won’t remember how good you had it before you got old.
This year, as I approached my 41st birthday, these depressing thoughts were swirling around in my head. Although I am in a far better place mentally and emotionally than I was this time last year, I still woke up on the morning of March 13th with a lump in my throat.
Rolling my old body over, I watched as my husband entered the room with hot coffee, a single red rose nestled on the tray next to it. The lump in my throat began to thaw. Then he did something even more beautiful...he unplugged the phone and encouraged me to sleep as long as I wanted. At 11:30 am, I pried my eyes open and promptly decided to stay in my pajamas indefinitely. It was my birthday, darn it, and I was allowed to waste it any way I wanted, right? I plodded to the living room where I discovered a gift bag of goodies. Some of my favorites: microwave popcorn, salt and vinegar Pringles and two different kinds of chocolate. Does my husband know me well or what? In the kitchen, I found a bouquet of fresh flowers and more roses scattered strategically throughout the house where I would be sure to see them. One in the fridge, one in the bathroom, another in my purse and one tucked between the pages of our sharing journal marking his newest entry to me. I sat on the couch eating Pringles and sighing over the beautiful letter he had written to me. By now the lump of self pity in my throat had almost completely dissolved.
I was still in my nightie at 2:30 when I heard a furtive rustling at the door. Derek had arrived home early, a rose between his teeth, to take me out to my favorite dessert place for a mid-afternoon treat. We spent the rest of the afternoon just enjoying the pleasure of being together.
Another rose was waiting for me on the seat of the car as I climbed in. We headed towards downtown Durban, stopping on the way to take a photo of the sun as it set over the Indian Ocean. We walked along North Beach and towards Ushaka Marine World, finally stopping at our destination. The Cargo Hold is an old cargo steamer which has been converted to a high-end restaurant. We were seated at a table next to the restaurant’s massive aquarium and ate our meal while several different varieties of fish and shark swam past us in silent procession. To my great surprise, Derek had invited some guests to join us. I hadn’t seen my cousin Lawrence in over 25 years and we spent four hours reminiscing about growing up in Africa and catching up on current personal events. We were meeting each other’s spouses for the first time and there was something poignant and symbolic about that to me. I am so proud to be Derek’s wife and I could tell that Lawrence and Liezel felt the same way about each other. I finished off my birthday with a heart full of admiration for my husband and a new appreciation for my family and heritage.
And a completely lump-free throat.
I guess it is all about perspective. My heart muscle may be working a little less efficiently than when I was 21, but my heart itself (previously hardened by disappointment and disillusionment) has grown in its ability to accept and give love. I’m learning how to harness the power of my mouth for good...to speak words of encouragement and to minister joy to others and to my husband every day. I’m learning how to laugh when things don’t go exactly according to plan and how to share our love story with others as an example of God’s grace and goodness to two people who have done nothing to deserve it. My eyes have been opened to the beauty and goodness all around me and I am soaking up the opportunities that have been handed to me. Opportunities to meet people, see places and do things that I never dreamed possible. I may soon struggle to hear those high frequencies, but I am learning to hear the still, small voice of God. I’m also learning to accept who I am and what I look like and to see myself as my darling Derek sees me...as beautiful and valuable and worthy of love.
Maybe birthdays aren’t a dismal reminder of things left undone. Perhaps they are a hopeful harbinger of things that can yet be done. Instead of a time to dwell on the past, they are a chance to appreciate the present and set goals for the future. It’s taken me 41 years, but maybe I’m finally growing up. And maybe I’m finally gaining some of that wisdom that’s supposed to come with age. I hope so.
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| Enjoying another beautiful African sunset |
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| Liezel and Lawrence |
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| The old lady and her man |
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| Reunion dinner at the Cargo Hold |
